Lies You Tell Yourself
by TheOceanBreathesSalty
Summary: Jalex, from Harper's POV. So not my characters. Please review.


"Are you… jealous?" You grin as you say it, hardly able to believe that you're even daring to ask the question.

He shakes his head quickly, a firm "No." slipping from his lips.

"You sure?" Because honestly, he may be in denial or something, but you saw his face darken with envy when you said that you had gotten double dates for you and Alex the next night.

(If only you knew then what you knew now. If only.)

"Of course. Why'd I be jealous?" And you smile again because he just used bad grammar, or as close as he got to bad grammar, and that does nothing but further prove your point.

"Alright." You sing out, before rushing up the stairs with Alex to get ready.

She's laughing at you while you get dressed, because you told her of your suspicions on Justin's jealousy, and that should probably offend you but you're just so used to it at this point.

You put on a clean white dress, food free, and straighten your hair, adding a simple headband and a pretty necklace. You're feeling pretty good about your appearance tonight.

But then you see Alex.

She put on a flowing skirt, deep, fiery crimson and dark, warm gold swirling with what looked like a hundred different shades of ruby and topaz. It swirled down around her thighs, ending about three inches above her knees. Then there were a few inches of tan flesh before black leather boots with four-inch heels encased her calves and feet. A shimmering cream-colored v-neck tank hung loosely around her upper body with a tight black tank layered on underneath it. Her newly short hair was falling in natural curls around her make-up free face and she had three silver rings on her right hand and four on her left.

She looked _fantastic_.

(And that shouldn't have hit your self-esteem as badly as it did, but _god_ you weren't ever going to look like that.)

The two of you walk down the stairs and you see the two boys sitting with both of Alex's brothers. Max grins at Alex and you, makes a joke about not running out on the check and heads up to his room. The two guys your dating tonight, Patrick for you and John for Alex, are saying hello and greeting the two of you and Alex is saying something back, but you aren't saying anything because you notice that Justin's face has darkened with not only envy but something that looks a lot like lust.

You grin proudly because you were _convinced_ that you had caused that look and begin to talk to Patrick about some random thing as all four of you walk from the room, leaving Justin behind with his thoughts.

(And if you had know what those thoughts actually were, you wouldn't have ever come back.)

Alex and John are getting along great and Patrick is really cute and funny but you aren't paying any attention to him because you're still thinking about Justin. What actually happened had already gone through the 'Justin filter' in your brain and now everything was covered in this dreamlike fog and Justin had fought against Patrick for the right to date you. He won, of course. Alex smacks your shoulder, her eyes asking **what the hell are you doing?** even though she only asks "are you okay?" out loud.

You blink at her, then nod and turn an apologetic smile to Patrick.

The four of you have a great time, once you snap out of your favorite dreamland, and they walk you back to the substation.

When you get there, Patrick smiles at you, says he'll text you soon, and walks away with a gentle hug.

John, however, grabs Alex around the waist and presses their lips together.

You notice Justin's furious glare from the window. You smile brightly, and it's more to do with the fact that you are _determined_ that Justin is jealous than the whole date with a cute perfect guy who seemed genuinely interested in you. But then you notice that he's glaring at _Alex_, who's lips were still attached to John's, and your smile fades a little, but whatever, he's just trying to be a good older brother.

(Lies are so much easier to swallow. No matter what they say, the truth will not set you free, honesty is not the best policy. Honesty and truth _hurt_ like lies never have.)

A few weeks later and Alex and John are still dating. You and Patrick don't really talk anymore, he met some girl at his school and you were never really that into him, but John came over pretty much daily to hang with Alex. The whole family _loved_ him.

Well.

That's a lie.

One Russo didn't like him.

At all.

Justin.

He _hated_ him. He glared every time he entered the room and his perfect lips curled into a snarl whenever he saw Alex kissing him. He scoffed whenever someone even _said_ 'John' and you swear you heard him growl during one of Alex's rants about **how freaking awesome and not-a-werewolf this boy is**.

(You steadfastly ignored the way that she only seemed to like John when Justin was around, how she never mentioned him unless Justin was in the room or kissed him unless Justin could see. Which was, admittedly, a pretty big hint towards that huge invisible elephant in the room, but as you already said, lies don't hurt you, not like honesty does.)

Two more weeks of dating and taunting, and Alex finally gets bored. She dumps John, he cries and it earns him no points, and Justin smiles ridiculously bright for the next two days.

You and Max were sitting on the couch playing some stupid game that you kept losing when Alex and Justin slammed into the room.

And you do mean slammed.

The door flew open, banging into the wall, and a laughing Justin enters with an amused Alex over one shoulder. He's holding coffee from they're favorite shop, two cups, and as soon as he sets her down she makes a grab for both, yanking them away from him and running up the stairs. He follows with a loud "Hey!" and you hear her giggles slowly fade away as she gets further and further away.

Max just shakes his head, so totally used to this by now, and you try to continue ignoring that _feeling_ in your stomach but it's getting so strong that you don't know how much longer you'll be able to pretend that it isn't there.

(They have a lot of places that are _theirs_. A coffee shop and a bookstore and Alex had even claimed an entire street where all the best shopping is. No one else that knows them, especially not you or Max, goes to the places that they have claimed. That's one of those things that makes the lies harder to believe.)

They spend all their time together now.

It used to be you and Alex, and Justin would hang with Zeke. But now you and Zeke were left alone and Justin and Alex had become so close that you could swear that they were only one person.

She laughs louder whenever he's around, and you haven't ever seen her parents smile as brightly as they did when her report card announced that she got an A. She isn't the girl that she used to be anymore. You don't really recognize her any longer.

She used to be loud, devious, uncaring. She was your best friend and you loved her, but she wasn't a good person, not really.

Now though… now she was gentle and serene and she _cared_. Yesterday you saw her help Max with his homework and she never complained when Jerry asked her to take extra shifts. She was still devious, but she didn't use it to hurt people, not anymore. Even her clothes have changed, going from outfits that screamed **someone, please, notice me** to clothes that somehow said, **I don't care if you notice because he does and that's enough**.

He was different too.

You had liked him since _forever_ so you knew quite a bit about him.

He was nerdy and willing to do anything to get straight A's and never _ever_ broke the rules.

But now? He still got good grades but he didn't stress about them anymore. He spent more time learning about fun spells than ones that could better the world and a few days ago, he _skipped_ class. His whole style had changed too, gone from **I look smart and professional** to **I'm finally comfortable in my own skin.**

That's what they did for one another.

They made each other more _themselves_.

(And it's just another thing that makes the lies you tell yourself seem less comforting and more fake. You had known that they were false, they were lies after all, but they had never _felt_ fake. Not before now.)

Then, the world flipped upside down, went off course, _changed_.

Because the unbelievable happened.

Justin asked you out.

_Justin_ asked _you_ out.

You somehow managed to say yes without passing out and he said that the two of you could leave at eight and to just dress casually.

You met him at 7:50 by the front door, wearing your favorite skirt and a cute top, and smiled at him so big that your cheeks hurt. Alex was sitting on the bottom step of the stairs, looking at the two of you as Justin complimented your outfit and led you out the door. Actually, looking is probably too light a word.

She was _glaring_.

With true _hatred_ darkening her eyes and furious jealousy twisting her pretty face into a far more frightening visage.

(And this, this is what makes you think that it was kind of karma. Because he was _hers_, no doubt about it. But you tried to take him anyways and didn't care that it was going to hurt both of them.)

You had a fantastic time on the date and you assumed that he did too, he said he did at least, and the two of you were now dating.

He was your _boyfriend_.

And, oh dear lord, you were practically blissful.

He was the perfect boyfriend. And you toned down on your more obsessive traits, and the only part of life that you weren't all that happy with is that Alex wouldn't talk to you.

She wouldn't even _look_ at you.

(There isn't even a point in lying anymore. You _know_. You always have. But now, now that you _finally_ got what you have been waiting for your entire life, your realizing that the lies may not hurt, but after the lies? When the truth _has_ to be told because it's gotten to be _too_ big to be covered up with lies anymore, it _hurts_. It hurts so freaking bad that you struggle to breathe for the three days following the aftermath of your realization. You haven't hurt this bad before. You _pray_ that you won't hurt this badly again.)

You and Justin had been a couple for three months now. He was still perfect and you were still happy and Alex was still refusing to acknowledge your existence, but things were changing.

You could feel it, this _shift_ that you knew was going to throw everything into chaos.

You walk into the substation, smiling at Teresa and Jerry before heading upstairs where you see Max hiding behind the door.

"Shhh!" He whispers at you before pressing his ear back up against the door.

You hear yelling.

More specifically, you hear Alex and Justin _screaming_ at each other. It's muffled, but you can make out Alex yelling **Jesus Christ, Justin! Give it up! It's **_**not fucking working**_**.** and then you hear Justin return with **it could work! I just need a little while longer!** You wonder what they're talking about so you glance at Max and he has pity in his eyes, so you shut yours, swallow heavily, and press your ear back up against the wall. **No. We **_**tried**_** your way, Justin! And guess what?! It **_**didn't work**_**. Because this, **_**this**_** is not going away!** And all those lies, that giant and invisible elephant, all the things you ignored and tried to forget, they were coming back right now, slamming into your brain with unforgiving harshness, and tears begin to slide down your cheeks. **I know. I'm **_**sorry**_**.** He says and it's it so quiet that you have to strain to hear it. You're still silently crying, even as you wonder what changed, why he went from screaming to apologizing.

Then it hits you, like a freaking _cannonball_, Justin only dated you as an attempt to prove something to Alex.

As an attempt to prove that the two of them couldn't be together.

And it _failed_.

You were, once again, _not enough_.

And you never would be.

Why?

Because you aren't Alex Russo.

And she is _all_ that he wants, will _ever_ want.

(If ever asked your most painful memory, it's that one right there. Tears sliding down your cheeks and lies being stripped away from your memories as Max pities you and Justin, the boy of your dreams, admits his love for Alex, his _sister_. Nothing, _nothing_, has ever felt like that since then.)

But apparently all those years of friendship with Alex rubbed off on you, because you had this sudden urge to _hurt_ them.

And what better way to hurt them than to take them away from each other?

It would be easy.

You knew _just_ the right buttons to push.

It'd be _so_ easy.

(If ever asked your least prideful memory, it's that one right there. But you felt like you had just been shattered and misery loves company. You wanted to _break_ them like they broke you, right or wrong or anything else.)

Justin was first.

"Hey, boyfriend!" You giggled, a fake smile stretching your lips too wide. "I know this is kind of random… but I just wanted to let you know how much you meant to me. You're just so perfect and I _know_ that you aren't ever going to hurt me. You aren't like the guys that Alex likes. You're the complete opposite!" Fake laughter escapes your fake smile and you notice Max looking at you disappointedly from the kitchen, but you know he won't interfere so you ignore him. "I mean, you're so perfect to me _and_ you are like, the _best brother_ to Max and Alex. Your parents must be _so _proud."

See? Easy. All you had to do was make him feel guilty. Guilty for hurting you, for disappointing his parents, for loving his little sister, and you managed to throw in just a _little_ hint about him not being Alex's type to plant some doubt in his mind.

He grins back at you and holds your hand and ignores Alex's disbelieving glare when she walks in the living room.

(You ignore that his grin looks more like a grimace the same way that you ignore Alex's hateful stare and Max shaking his head with frustration.)

Alex was next.

She wasn't as easy, because the two of you weren't as close as you used to be. So you went for her _one_ weak spot, well, other than Justin.

Mason.

It takes you a few weeks, but you sneak into the lair every night and talk to all the people that you possibly can and _finally_ you realize that you aren't going to be able to change him back, it's not possible, but you can lie about it.

"Alex! I just heard the _weirdest_ thing! Some dude said there was a way to change werewolves back into humans! And I was thinking, if you can do that, then why can't you change a wolf back into a werewolf?" You feel awful, but most of the reason that you feel awful is standing in front of you, so you keep talking and lying and shoving the guilt away.

"Harper, I don't think…" You cut her off.

"Why not?" And the hope in her eyes _almost_ hurts, but you continue to talk excitedly about the possibilities and you ignore the feeling of Justin's stare on your back.

(That's a lie. It doesn't _almost_ hurt. It _actually_ hurts. Horribly.)

Weeks pass.

Justin is stuck in an unhappy relationship with you, Alex is searching for a long-lost wolf and Max is watching from the sidelines, wanting to stop it but knowing that this has become much too big for one boy to end, wizard or not.

(And to be honest, you're kind of tired of this. The hope that lit Alex's eyes fading slowly and Max's pity and Justin becoming a shell of himself. It all sucks, and you caused it. But you didn't know how to fix it. You didn't know if you _wanted_ to fix it.)

A few weeks later, Alex has completely given up, Justin isn't even Justin anymore and Max has taken to staying away from the substation whenever he possibly can in order to get away from all of it.

And you?

You're just tired. Full of regret and hurt and pain. And you caused this, but you can't fix it.

So you run.

You call your parents and tell them that you'll be there in the morning, asking Max to pack all your stuff quietly with his magic. You disappear at two in the morning to the sounds of Alex's sobs and Justin's pain-filled nightmares.

(And, honestly, this is the first time that the pain has lessened since this whole thing started. Finally you don't feel like you're seconds away from shattering and you _breathe_ for what feels like the first time in _years_.)

You don't see them again for thirteen years. You and Max have talked a few times, enough for you to know that he was the family wizard and for you to comprehend what exactly that implied.

You go back to New York for a conference and you're hoping that you aren't going to run into them, but you _know_ that you're going to the same way that you knew they were going to end up together in the end.

Ironically, the meeting is most likely your fault.

You went to _their_ coffee shop.

(You still claim that it was an accident, that you forgot who's favorite coffee place it was until you saw them there, but honestly, you remembered and you chose to go there anyways. You don't know if that makes you mature or a masochist.)  
You see Justin first. He looks _good_. He looks older and he's taller now, wearing professional but comfortable clothes, with his hair clearly styled but messy.

His arm is wrapped around Alex. She's wearing thigh high boots and dark form-fitting jeans with a dove gray sweater. Her hair has grown out again and it was left in natural curls.

They turn at the exact same moment and spot you, Alex's face tightening with rage and Justin's darkening with fury.

You stand up and make your way over to them.

"I…" you trail off for a minute, not sure what you can say to make what you tried to do okay.

(Their hands are intertwined, his arm free resting around her waist and you're pleasantly surprised to find it doesn't hurt like it used to, that it doesn't hurt _at all_.)

"Just… look out for one another. And… I'm sorry. I know that that probably doesn't mean much, but there it is." You manage to stammer out before you turn towards the door and walk out onto the busy streets. Before you left, her eyes had softened and his mouth had curled into something that resembled a smile and that was _enough_.

And the most wonderful thing about your life now is that there isn't anything that you have to lie to yourself about anymore.

The whole experience sucked and hurt and it was just _awful_ but it taught you something important, two things actually.

One.

The truth _hurts_ really badly, but when the lies are taken away and the truth exposed, that hurts more. The lies were _not, are_ not worth it, not then, not ever.

Two.

The boy of your dreams loved your best friend and they were happy and you were finally, _finally_ okay with that. They deserved true love, and they weren't going to get it without each other.


End file.
